Thursday, May 17, 2012

SSC Presents: Always the Bridesmaid Edition!

That's right folks...It's that time of year again. If you happen to be a chick "at that age" around the Spring and Summertime you are usually hit with the seasonal influx of weddings. While I can't say I'm exactly the 'marrying' type, (I'm more of the 'doing whatever the hell I feel like' type. This mostly consists of doing comedy and being poor.), I do appreciate floofy dresses, shit tons of delicious food and of course, the ever present, OPEN BAR.

One of my favorite parts of this whole wedding nonsense, is of course, the Bachlorette party. By that I mean, I'll take any opportunity I can get to make delicious food shaped a dick. Since I am the Maid of Honor in one of my best friends and fellow Supper Clubber, Emily's wedding, I felt it was the perfect opportunity to put together a kickass party, get shit-tanked and of course make food shaped like my favorite part of the male anatomy. (Hint: It's not his brain.)

For anyone new to SSC, I'd like to note that this blog is not always so...umm...well, you'll see...


- Christa

Penis (Pasta) Salad with Marinated (Mozzarella) Balls 
You can find Penis Pasta at your friendly neighborhood sex shop. 
If hanging around in a weird porn store makes you a bit squeamish, you can find it here. Yeah, it's like $7 a box, but it's totally worth it! (And I suppose you could make it with regular bowtie or penne pasta...if you really have to.)  
1 box penis pasta
1/2 c Parmesan cheese
8oz grape tomatoes
1/4 c red onion (diced)
kalamata olives (pitted)
8oz container mozzarella balls marinated in oil
regular and fresh basil
salt and pepper to taste

Make pasta according to directions on the box. Put in a large bowl. Add mozzarella balls and use some of the olive oil to lubricate the pasta. Cut grape tomatoes in half. Thinly slice olives. Dice onion. Add to pasta. Add salt, pepper & basil. Toss the salad. (Be careful when tossing. Just like the real thing, penis pasta is a bit delicate when not handled correctly.) Chill.

Christa's Spinach Artichoke Dip
This is one of my favorite recipes to make for a party. Its quick, easy and always get slurped down immediately. You can find the recipe on the SSC 420 Edition

I'll bite, nothing about this recipe really screams dick shaped...BUT you can get creative when serving it. Spinach dip is usually served with some thick hearty bread. Buy a nice long baguette and two small bread rolls. Toothpick rolls to either side of one end of the baguette.....GET IT? If you're a bit too eager to dive into this rich creamy dip, you can slice up the bread and re-purpose your dick cake pan (We'll get to that in a minute,) as a serving dish, like we did.

...and now, the eau de resistance....THE PENIS CAKE!

Black Velvet Penis Cake
This is a modified version of the stuffed red velvet cupcake recipe from SSC's Southern Hospitality Edition. (It's called black velvet because I ran out of food coloring. Heh. Also, lets face it, a bright red dick is not exactly a healthy dick, so I feel sort of justified.)

Just like the aforementioned phallus pasta, you can find a dick cake pan at your friendly neighborhood sex store. Since being surrounded by a sea of dicks (both fake and otherwise) has become popular for bachlorette parties in recent years, it's easy to find a dick cake pan in a regular party store or online.

Admittedly, I got a little creative with this one. Penis cake pans are usually a little on the small side (for a cake, not a dick), so you end up with a lot of extra batter. The solution? Strategically placed cupcakes of course! 

2 1/4 cups sifted cake flour
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
Your dick isn't covered? Wrap that shit up!
1 tsp white vinegar
1 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
1/3 cup oil
2 large eggs

2 8-ounce packages cream cheese, room temperature
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
a few drops of red food coloring

For cake
Grease that dick cake pan. Everyone loves a nice greasy dick. (Also if you don't your cake won't come out.)

For cupcakes
Put cupcake papers in cupcake tins.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Sift flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, baking soda, and salt into medium bowl. Whisk buttermilk, vinegar, and vanilla in small separate bowl. Using electric mixer, beat sugar and butter in large bowl until well blended. Add eggs 1 at a time, beating after each addition. Add oil. Beat in dry ingredients alternately with buttermilk mixture.

Pour batter into dick cake pan. Bake 30 minutes or until toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool.

Poor remaining batter into cupcake tins. Bake about 18-20 minutes. Cool.

You can bake the cake and cupcakes at the same time, just take the cupcakes out earlier.

For the Creamy Cheesy frosting
Beat cream cheese and butter in large bowl until smooth. Beat in vanilla.
Add powdered sugar and beat until smooth.

Put frosting into two separate bowls. In one bowl add a few drops of red food coloring, (a little goes a long way). This will give you a nice fleshy hue. You will use this to frost your dick. Use the white frosting for the know why. Arrange in the manner you see fit.

Other Random Ways to Make Dick Shaped Food

Cock Crudités
grape or cherry tomatoes
your favorite veggie dip or hummus

Tooth pick one tomato to either side of one end of carrots or celery. Place dip in the middle of a serving platter. Place veggie dicks around it.

Dick Shaped Cheese ball
Find a good cheese ball recipe. (Amy Sedaris has a great one in I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence.) Instead of shaping it into one large ball, shape it into two smaller balls and a log. Arrange appropriately.

Dicks in a Blanket
Re-named pigs in a blanket. I'm pretty sure everyone knows how to make these. But yeah, hot dogs, dicks. Deliciousness. Etc.

Booze Pairings!

OMG! It’s a bachelorette party! We need champagne!!! What? Champagne is expensive???

You can ask anyone, champagne is the official drink of choice at a bachelorette party. Unfortunately, it's also one of the most expensive things you can buy.

So, you love your in-love friend but don't want to spend $50 a bottle of something that you are just about to guzzle? Here in America, you can not get a bottle of champagne under $50. Not to worry. We've got the perfect solution: sparking wine!

- Phoebe

A quick little lesson in bubbles:

Real Champagne can only be grown in the Champagne region of France, and to even be called Champagne it must follow the reagon’s laws of production. The Champagne wine making community, under the auspices of the Comité Interprofessionnel du Vin de Champagne, has developed a comprehensive set of rules and regulations for all wine produced in the region to protect its economic interests.

They include codification of the most suitable growing places; the most suitable grape types, most Champagne is a blend of up to three grape varieties. Pinot noir, Chardonnay and Pinot Meunier. A lengthy set of requirements specifying most aspects of viticulture. This includes pruning, vineyard yield, the degree of pressing, and the time that wine must remain on its lees before bottling. It can also limit the release of Champagne to market to maintain prices. Only when a wine meets these requirements may it be labelled Champagne. The rules agreed upon by the CIVC are submitted for
the INAO's final approval.


This all means that champagne is super special and delicious, but if can't afford it.... try these!

Location: Veneto, Italy
Grapes: Prosecco.

This tart, wan grape has found fame in bubbles as the Veneto's sparkling wine and has gained worldwide favor. The Bellini cocktail (cocktail recipe to come later in this bloggage), and Prosecco's supporting role in it, are no doubt a partial cause, as is its carefree image and price. Most Prosecco is made in bulk using the French Charmat method, unencumbered by pretense and meant as a casual, refreshing drink. Having fully exploited the Prosecco market, some producers like Mionetto have
turned to other formulas, like its Sergio Rosé, from red Lagrein and Raboso grapes. There really is no point in buying a Prosecco above $20 in price.

Location: Spain, mostly Catalonia
Grapes: Macabeo (aka Viura), Parellada, Xarel-lo, Chardonnay, Pinot Noir.

Spain's contribution to bubbly has become a worldwide favorite. In 1970 makers abandoned the term "Champaña" which was pretty smart, considering that sounds dumb. Cava means "cellar" in Catalan, and if inexpensive fizz like Prosecco is made quick and cheap in a closed tank, Cava signals a
Spanish commitment to do things the hard way - retaining traditional Champagne-style winemaking for a wine that rarely tops $15. Though Cava hinges on its own unique trio of grapes - Macabeo, Parellada, Xarel-lo - Chardonnay joined the ranks in 1986 and Pinot Noir is now allowed as
well. Beyond the biggest names, Freixenet and Cordoniu, lies a proliferation of smaller producers making distinctive wines. You can get a great bottle of the stuff for $8-$15

American sparkling wines (the other guys)
Location: United States
Grapes: Mostly Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, some Pinot Meunier, with variations.

The major players - California's French transplants at Domaines Carneros and Chandon, Mumm Napa and Roederer Estate, plus Schramsberg, Iron Horse and so on - have long been a familiar sight. But many smaller wineries across the land have joined the bubbly parade.

American bubbles are spreading too! across the Mississippi, though Eastern bubbly rarely travels far from to its native habitat. New York has begun to produce outstanding fizzy drinks in both of its wine growing regions (Look for Lenz, from Long Island's North Fork.) Rhode Island's Sakonnet Vineyards makes its own "Champagne," while Michigan's Larry Mawby dedicated his L. Mawby winery to the stuff.  If you are going to spend big spend domestic, the high end American stuff is great! (...but a bottle of Cook’s for $6 will also get you through the night just fine.)

Australian sparkling wine
Location: Australia
Grapes: Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, some Pinot Meunier

Australia is knows for it’s red, specifically their Shiraz. Australian bubbles were once largely confined to bargain brands But cooler sites in Victoria and Tasmania have been home to a thriving fine-bubbly sector for more than 20 years. Moet & Chandon chose Victoria's Yarra Valley as home to its Australian project in 1985.  Bare Foot wine in my opinion, makes an excellent cocktail.

Soviet Champagne (Sovetskoe Shampanskoe)
Location: Russia and the former Soviet states
Grapes: Chardonnay, Aligote, other.

I happen to work in a wine shop that specializes in Eastern European products, and I can tell you first hand that they do not fuck around with bubbles. The Russian taste for Champagne has been legendary since the armies chasing Napoleon occupied Reims and Epernay in 1814. In 1876, Louis Roederer, hearing of Czar Alexander II's love of the fizz, commissioned a special clear bottle and created Cristal! Catering to the sweet "gout rousse," Champagne houses left far more sugar in bottles destined for Russia. Later, in the Soviet era, with crippling import tariffs, the state chose to produce its own knockoffs from primarily Ukrainian or Georgian grapes. With the fall of Communism, Western fizz returned but the thirst for Shampanskoe hardly slaked. Now private firms churn out surprisingly good semisweet sparkling wine that can be found on these shores for about $10. It’s hard to find because Russian bubbles sound odd, but trust me, its delicious! Find a Wine Gallery and
ask for Bagrationi sparkling.

Enough of that, how about some sparkling cocktails!

Bellini’s are actually a traditional Italian wedding shower drink! My source for information was an old Italian woman, who then told me I need to get married soon because I’m very pale and my looks won't last. it MUST be true.
2 oz peach juice or peach puree
4 oz Champagne

-Pour the peach juice or peach puree into a Champagne flute.
-Slowly add the Champagne.

Black Velvet
If you have a beer loving bride like our friend Emily here, you have to try this!
This is an easy and strangely delicious drink with a 4:1 ratio of Champagne to black Irish stout.

Classic Champagne Cocktail
If you think your classy, or something.

Soak a sugar cube in bitters, drop it into a flute, fill the flute with
Champagne and garnish with a twist of lemon. This classic drink dates
back to at least the mid-19th century.

French 75
If you don't care to make it to mimosas the next day.
(There are a number of French 75 recipes floating around; the only thing
people agree on is that it's a serious drink with serious ramifications.)

Here's the classic: a splash of simple syrup, a bigger splash of lemon
juice, an even bigger splash (about an ounce) of gin, topped off with a
glassful of Champagne.

Plop Some Fruit In It!
This probably has a name, I have no idea what it is, but it looks really classy and fun when you do it!

Take a strawberry, blueberries, raspberry, or blackberry to glass.
Pour bubbles of it. Also, check out this website!

The spread!
Emily & Shea get close, Laura looks skeptical...
The sole purpose for this photo is that I look cute here.
Shit starts to get real with Shea & Phoebe

Tina, Laura, Emily & Beth

And this, like so many nights, ended in a bar.

Cheers and Congrats Emily!
Christa & Phoebe

About Christa
Christa is a comedian, artist and graphic designer living in Boston. Because most of her family is fresh off the boat, she knows a thing or two about traditional European cooking and baking, provided that the recipes are in English (Thanks a lot, crappy American school system!). She also has a vast knowledge of fancy-smancy beers made by smelly hippies. Although she has no food credits to speak of, generally speaking everything she makes is considered to be "damn good." Check out her other blog Shameless Pomp and Circumstance if you feel like it!

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